Hello, dear ones. I came across this prayer in my journal a while ago. I read it once, then twice, and then typed it up, adding a second part to it.
The response from God is written based on the truths I have seen in Scripture and experienced in my own life.
Sitting here tonight, Lord, I feel so far away. And the problem is me.
After all those nights that I cried “why do you hide your face from me?” why is it that I now hide my face from You?
I feel so far. So depraved. Disgusted by my own heart. I’m here. Ashamed. I thought I had come so far but tonight I just feel the utter shame of my heart.
How, O Lord, how do You love me? How does Your grace pour down? Why in the world did You choose me, so full of sin and doubt?
Lord, I feel so far, but that’s not how I want to be. Lord, my sin suffocates me. Please, if You are willing, You can make me clean?
Clean, what a word. Oh, how I long for it. Lord to be only Yours, free from this sin!
This self, this pride, this unbelief. Am I a lost cause? Do not leave me in my despair. Oh Lord, my God, do not let me leave you. Save me.
The rest of it—all the things of the world that have drawn me away— matter so little.
I want You. I need You. Lord, tell me again that You love me. Tell me again that You’ve paid the price. Tell me that You forgive me. That I’m saved by Your sacrifice.
I need You. So, weak and ashamed, I ask that You would help me believe that I am…
Speak truth for I am afraid, afraid that I am too far gone, too bad, too sinful, too full of doubt.
My child. Do you remember the first time you heard Me call your name? Do you remember the way everything broken seemed for the first time to be able to be made whole?
Do you remember the first time you knew that I love you? How that knowing washed over you and rooted in you and changed everything? Do you remember how you cried and I gave you promises? Do you remember marking those promises with highlighters and tears?
Do you remember choosing to follow Me, and choosing to trust that even though you were scared, I would help you when you needed to be brave?
Do you remember crying as you sang about the nails that pounded through my hands, the thorns that tore into my skin, the anguished love that I gave for you?
Do you remember the nights when you thought I was gone? When everything you thought you believed seemed like just a story that was suddenly so far? And do you remember how I gave you stars?
How I brought you home? How I used your greatest weakness, your deepest brokenness to show you that I am the Lord your God who takes you by the hand and says to you, “fear not for I will help you!”.
Child. I have done it. I have loved you. I have saved you. I have set my gaze upon you and redeemed you and named you and promised to make you new. You were no more holy, able, or righteous when I did this. There will never be a day when you will need me any less than you do right now. And there has never been a day that you needed me more.
I know you are broken. Child, that’s why I died for you. The cross was no dramatic show. It was to redeem My people for My glory. Because of who I am I have done this. Because of My lovingkindness I have redeemed you. For I am the LORD your God, and there is none like Me.
Oh Lord… I love You. I’ll follow You anywhere. I trust You. You may have me. Please, do not leave my side.
I’m still afraid, even now. And yet, I will do it afraid. For You are greater than my fear.